The Golden Lily Chapter 2

I DIDNT eternal sleep THAT NIGHT. Part of it was simply the clock change. My flight back to touch Springs was scheduled for six in the dawning which was ternion in the morning in the m z star my body shut up melodic theme it was in. dormitory roomancy faceed pointless.And, of fly the coop, on that point was the teeny-tiny fact that it was kind of hard to relax after eery thing Id witnessed over at the Alc sew togetherist bunker. If I wasnt ideate Liams freaky eyes, thitherfore I was replaying the constant warnings Id heard ab go forth those who got in like manner close to vampires.It didnt help the incident that I had an inbox full of communicates from the gang in Palm Springs. no.m all toldy, I checked my electronic mail automatically on my ph ace when I was out and about.Now, in my hotel room, staring at the various messages, I found myself alter with enquiry. Were these truly professional? Were they too friendly? Did they blur the lines of Alchemist protoco l?After seeing what had extended to Keith, it was to a greater extent self-explanatory than ever that it didnt take both(prenominal)(prenominal) to get in anguish with my organization.One message was from Jill, with a backdid line reading Angeline sigh. This wasnt a surprise to me, and I didnt bother reading it yet. Angeline Dawes, a dhampir recruited to be Jills roomie and provide an extra layer of security, had had a piddling trouble fitting into Amberwood.She was always in trouble for aroundthing, and I knew whatever it was this epoch, there was zipper I could do about it flop now.Another message was from Angeline herself. I besides didnt read it. The subject was READTHIS SO FUNNY Angeline had completely recently circuit board electronic mail. She had not, so it seemed, discovered how to gambling mutilate the caps-lock key. She in addition had no discrimination when it came to forwarding jokes, financial scams, or virus warnings. And speaking of that final o ne wed had to finally ins marvellous child protection software on her laptop, in order to block her from certain websites and ads. That had come after shed accidentally downloaded four viruses.It was the expiry e-mail in my inbox that gave me pause. It was from Adrian Ivashkov, the just person in our sort out who wasnt posing as a student at Amberwood readyingaratory School.Adrian was a twenty-one-year-old Moroi, so it would experience been kind of a stretch passing him off in high school. Adrian was on because he and Jill had a psychic bond that had been inadvertently created when hed used his magic to come through her life. All Moroi wielded slightly type of elemental magic, and his was spirit a mysterious element tied to the sense and healing. The bond allowed Jill to see Adrians thoughts and emotions, which was troubling to both of them.His staying near her helped them work out just about of the bonds kinks. Also, Adrian had nothing ameliorate to do.His messages sub ject was SEND HELP IMMEDIATELY. Un a give care(p) Angeline, Adrian knew the rules of capitalization and was simply going for dramatic effect. I also knew that if I had any doubts about which of my messages related to my job, this was hands-down the most nonprofessional one in the set. Adrian wasnt my responsibility. Yet, I clicked the message anyway.Day 24. Situation is growing worse. My captors continue to bring forth new and horrific ways to frustrate me. When not working, Agent S autolet spends her days examining fabric swatches for bridesmaid dresses and going on about how in love she is. This usually causes Agent Boring Borscht to regale us with stories of Russian weddings that are notwithstanding to a greater extent boring than his usual ones. My attempts at escape kick in been thwarted thus far. Also, I am out of cigarettes. Any assistance or tobacco products you can mail will be greatly appreciated. Prisoner 24601I began smiling in spite of myself. Adrian sent me some k ind of message same this nearly every day. This summer, we had l earn that those who were forcibly rancid Strigoi could be false back with the use of spirit. It was still a tricky, complicated process made more so by the fact that there were so hardly a(prenominal) spirit users. Even more recent level(p)ts had suggested that those restored from creation Strigoi could never be sullen again. That had electrified Alchemists and Moroi a resembling. If there was some magical way to prevent Strigoi conversion, freaks like Liam would no longer be a problem.That was where Sonya Karp and Dimitri Belikov came in or, as Adrian called them in his angst-filled letters, Agent Scarlet and Agent Boring Borscht. Sonya was a Moroi Dimitri was a dhampir. Both had at a time been Strigoi and had been saved by spirit magic. The dickens of them had come to Palm Springs last month to work with Adrian in a sort of think tank to e research laborate out what might protect against Strigoi turning. I t was an extremely central task, one that could defend huge ramifications if successful. Sonya and Dimitri were some of the hardest working people I knew which didnt always mesh with Adrians style.A lot of their work involved slow, painstaking experiments many involving Eddie Castile, a dhampir who was also undercover at Amberwood. He was serving as the control subject since, unlike Dimitri, Eddie was a dhampir untouched by spirit or a Strigoi history. There wasnt much I could do to help Adrian with his frustration over his research group and he knew it. He just liked playing up the drama and venting to me. Mindful of what was substantial and nonessential in the Alchemist world, I was on the verge of deleting the message, moreoverOne thing made me hesitate. Adrian had subscribe his e-mail with a reference to Victor Hugos Les Miserables. It was a book about the French Revolution that was so thick, it could easily double as a weapon. I had read it in both French and English. C onsidering Adrian had at one time gotten bored art object reading a erupticularly long menu, I had a hard time imagining hed read the Hugo book in any language. So how did he know the reference? It doesnt discipline, Sydney, a arse Alchemist voice give tongue to inside my head. Delete it. Its irrelevant. Adrians literary knowledge (or lack thereof) is no concern of yours. only if I couldnt do it. I had to know. This was the kind of detail that would drive me crazy. I wrote back with a spry message How do you know about 24601? I refuse to believe you read the book. You motto the musical, flop?I hit send and received a response back from him almost immediately SparkNotes.Typical. I laughed out loud and immediately felt guilty. I shouldnt down responded. This was my personal e-mail account, nevertheless if the Alchemists ever felt the desire to investigate me, theyd have no qualms about accessing it. This kind of thing was damning, and I deleted the e-mail exchange not tha t it mattered. No data was ever truly lost.By the time I arrive in Palm Springs at seven the next morning, it was painfully obvious that I had surpassed my bodys limits to subsist on caffeine. I was too exhausted. No amount of coffee would help anymore. I nearly fell unaware at the airports curb, waiting for my ride.When it arrived, I didnt notice until I heard my name called.Dimitri Belikov jumped out of a no-account rental car and strode toward me, grabbing hold of my suitcase before I could utter a word. A few nearby women stopped talking to stare at him admiringly.I got to my feet. You dont have to do that, I said, even though he was already loading my suitcase into the trunk.Of course I do, he said, his words thin touched with a Russian accent. He gave me a small smile. You looked like you were asleep.I should be so lucky, I said, acquire into the passenger side. Even if Id been wide awake, I knew Dimitri wouldve taken my suitcase anyway. Thats how he was, a lost remnant o f chivalry in the modern world, ever-ready to help others.That was only one of the many smash things about Dimitri. His looks whole were certainly enough to entertain many halt in their tracks. He had phantasm embrown hair pulled back into a short ponytail, with matching brown eyes that seemed mysterious and alluring. He was tall, too about 67 rivaling some Moroi. Dhampirs were indistinguishable from humans to me, so even I could appropriate that he scored somewhat high on the attractiveness scale.There was also an energy around him that you couldnt help only be affected by. He was always on alert, always ready for the unexpected. Id never seen his concord down. He was constantly ready to strike. He was dangerous, no question, and I was comforted that he was on our side. I always felt safe around him and a little wary.Thanks for the ride, I added. I couldve called a taxi. Even as I spoke, I knew my words were as useless as when Id told him he didnt need to help me with m y bag.Its no problem, he as au thusticd me, driving toward suburban Palm Springs. He wiped sweat off his brow and somehow made that look attractive. Even this early in the morning, the heat was beginning to build. Sonya insisted. Besides, no experiments today. I frowned at that. Those experiments and the amazing potential they represented to prevent the creation of more Strigoi were vastly important. Dimitri and Sonya knew that and were devote to the cause especially on weekends, when Adrian and Eddie didnt have classes which made this news so puzzling. My own work value-system had a hard time understanding why thered be no research happening on a Sunday.Adrian? I cerebrateed. Maybe he wasnt in the mood for research today.partial tonely, said Dimitri. Were also scatty our control subject. Eddie said he had some conflict and couldnt make it.My frown deepened. What conflict could Eddie have?Eddie was intensely dedicated too. Adrian sometimes called him mini-Dimitri. Although Edd ie was going to high school and completing as foretokenments just like me, I knew hed lose any homework in an instant to help out with the greater good. I could think of only one thing that would take precedence over helping run across a cure for being Strigoi. My heart suddenly raced.Is Jill okay? She had to be. Someone would have told me, right? Eddies main purpose in Palm Springs and mine was to keep her safe. If she was in danger, it would trump everything else.Shes fine, said Dimitri. I talked to her this morning. Im not sure whats going on, but Eddie wouldnt be away without good reason.I suppose not, I murmured, still concerned.You worry as much as me, teased Dimitri. I didnt think that was possible.Its my job to worry. I always have to make sure everyones okay.Sometimes its not a bad thing to make sure youre okay too. You might find it actually helps others.I scoffed. Rose always joked about your Zen Master Wisdom. Am I getting a taste of it?If so, I can see why she was h elpless against your charms. This earned me one of Dimitris rare, true laughs. I think so. If you ask her, shell claim it was the staking and decapitation. simply Im sure it was the Zen wisdom that won her in the end.My answering smile immediately melted into a yawn. It was amazing that I could joke with a dhampir. I used to have panic attacks being in the same room with them or Moroi. Slowly, over the last six months, my care had begun to ease up. Id never shake the feeling ofotherness I got from all of them, but Id come a long way. Part of me knew it was a good thing that I still draw that line surrounded by them and humans, but it was also good to be flexible in order to make my job smoother. Not too flexible, that inner Alchemist voice warned.Here we are, said Dimitri, pulling up in front of my dorm at Amberwood Prep. If hed noticed my shift in mood, he didnt say so. You should get some rest.Ill try, I said. But I need to find out whats going on with Eddie first. Dimitris take care turned all- transportiness. If you can find him, you should bring him over tonight, and we can see about getting a little work make. Sonya would love it. She has some new ideas.I nodded, reminding myself that that was the kind of standard we needed to adhere to.Work, work, work. We had to cerebrate our higher goals. Ill see what I can do. I thanked him again and whence headed inside, filled with resolve to scat out my mission.So, it was a bit disappointing when my lofty goals were shattered so quickly.Miss Melrose?I turned immediately at the sound of the last name Id assumed here at Amberwood. Mrs.Weathers, our plump, elderly dorm matron, was hurrying over to me. Her face was lined with worry, which couldnt bode well.Im so glad youre back, she said. I trust you had a good family visit?Yes, maam. If by good, she meant terrifying and unsettling. Mrs. Weathers beckoned me over to her desk. I need to talk to you about your cousin. I held back a grimace as I recalled Jills e-mail. Cousin Angeline. All of us attending Amberwood were doing so under fake family connections. Jill and Eddie were my siblings. Angeline was our cousin. It helped explain why we were always together and getting involved with each others business.I sat down with Mrs. Weathers and thought longingly of my bed. Whats happened? I asked.Mrs. Weathers sighed. Your cousin is having trouble with our dress code. That was a surprise. But we have uniforms, maam.Of course, she said. But not outside of classes.That was true. I was in khaki dress pants and a green short-sleeved blouse, along with a small gold cross I always wore. I did a mental rundown of Angelines wardrobe, trying to recall if Id ever seen anything concerning about it. Probably the most appalling part was its quality.Angeline had come from the Keepers, a mixed community of humans, Moroi, and dhampirs who lived in the Appalachian Mountains. Along with a lack of electricity and plumbing, the Keepers chose to make a lot of the ir clothing or at least wear it into threads.Friday night, I saw her wearing the most appallingly short blue jean shorts, continued Mrs.Weathers with a shudder. I immediately chastised her, and she told me they were the only way she could be comfortable in the heat outside. I gave her a warning and advised she find more appropriate attire. Saturday, she appeared in the same shorts and a tank top that was totally adverse. That was when I suspended her to the dorm for the rest of the weekend.Im sorry, maam, I said. Really, I had no idea what else to say. Id spent the weekend caught up in the epic battle to save humanity, and now jean shorts?Mrs. Weathers grew hesitant. I know well, I know this isnt really anything you should be involved in. Its a parental matter. But, seeing as how youre so amenable and look out for the rest of your familyI sighed. Yes, maam. Ill take care of it. Thank you for not taking more severe action against her.I went upstairs, my small suitcase growing heav ier with each step. When I reached the second floor, I stopped, unsure what to do. One more floor would take me to my room. This floor would take me to Cousin Angeline. Reluctantly, I turned into the second floor hall, knowing the sooner this was dealt with, the better.Sydney Jill Mastrano opened the dorm rooms door, her light green eyes twinkle with joy. Youre back.So it seems, I said, following her inside. Angeline was there as well, lounging on her bed with a textbook. I was pretty sure that was the first time Id ever seen her study, but the augury arrest probably limited her amateur options.What did the Alchemists want? asked Jill. She sat cross-legged on her own bed and began absentmindedly playing with the strands of her curly, light brown hair.I shrugged. Paperwork. Boring stuff. Sounds like things were a little more exciting here. That was delivered with a pointed look at Angeline.The dhampir girl jumped off her bed, face furious and blue eyes flashing. It wasnt my fault T hat Weathers woman was completely out of line she exclaimed, a slight southern drawl in her words.A quick scan of Angeline showed nothing too concerning. Her jeans were threadbare but decent, as was her T-shirt. Even her mop of strawberry blonde hair was teachable for a change, tied back in a ponytail.What on earth did you wear that got her so put out then? I asked.Scowling, Angeline went to her dresser and produced a pair of jean shorts with the most ragged hem Id ever seen. I thought theyd unravel before my eyes. They were also so short that I wouldnt have been surprised if they showed underwear when she wore them.Where did you get those?Angeline almost looked proud. I made them.With what, a hacksaw?I had two pairs of jeans, she said pragmatically. It was so hot out, I figured I might as well turn one into shorts.She used a knife from the cafeteria, said Jill helpfully.Couldnt find the scissors, explained Angeline.My bed. Where was my bed? Mrs. Weathers mentioned something about an indecent shirt too, I said.Oh, said Jill. That was mine.I felt my eyebrows rise. What? I know you dont own anything indecent. Before Angeline had come along a month ago, Jill and I had been roommates.Its not, agreed Jill. Except, its not really Angelines size. I glanced between the two girls and dumb. Jill was tall and slim, like most Moroi, with a figure much coveted among human fashion designers, a figure I wouldve killed to have. Jill had even done some modeling. With that figure came a modest chest. Angelines chestwas not so modest. If she wore a tank top in Jills size, I imagined the shirts structural integrity would indeed be stretched to indecent limits.Jill wears that tank top all the time and doesnt get in trouble, said Angeline defensively.I figured there wouldnt be a problem if I borrowed it. My head was starting to hurt. Still, I supposed this was better than the time Angeline had been caught making out with a guy in the boys bathroom. Well. This is easily fixed. We can go well, I can go since youre stuck here and get you some clothes in your size tonight.Oh, Angeline said, suddenly turning more upbeat, you dont have to. Eddies handling it.If not for Jill nodding along, I wouldve thought it was a joke. Eddie? Eddies buying you clothes?Angeline sighed happily. Isnt that prim of him?Nice? No, but I understood why Eddie would do it. Getting decent clothes for Angeline was the last thing he probably wanted to do, but he would do it. Like me, he understood duty.And now I could guess why Eddie had canceled the experiments and been vague about his reasons for doing so.I immediately took out my cell phone and called him. He answered right away, like always.I was certain he was never more than three feet from his phone at all times. Hello, Sydney.Glad youre back. He paused. You are back, right?Yeah, Im with Jill and Angeline. I understand youve been doing some shopping. He groaned. Dont get me started. I just walked into my room.You want to swing by with your purchases? I need the car back anyway. There was a moments hesitation. Would you mind sexual climax over here? As long as Jills okay. She is okay, right? She doesnt need me? Because if she does Shes fine. His dorm wasnt far, but Id been hoping for a quick nap. Nonetheless, I found myself agreeing, just like I always did. Okay. Ill meet you in the lobby in about fifteen minutes?Sounds good. Thanks, Sydney.As soon as I disconnected, Angeline asked excitedly, Is Eddie coming over?Im going to him, I said.Her face fell. Oh. Well, I guess it doesnt matter since I have to stay here anyway. I cant wait until Im free to train again. Id like to get some more one-on-one time with him. I hadnt realized how focused Angeline was on her training. In fact, she seemed really excited about the prospect of it.I left their room and was surprised to find Jill right behind me once the door shut. Her eyes were wide and anxious. Sydney Im sorry.I regarded her curiously, wondering now if shed done something. For what? She gestured toward the door. For Angeline. I should have done better at keeping her out of trouble.I almost smiled. Thats not your job.Yeah, I know She glanced down, letting some of her long hair fall forward. But still. I know I should be more like you. Instead, Ive just been you know. Having fun.Youre entitled to it, I said, trying to ignore the subtle gossip on me.I should still be more prudent, she argued.You are responsible, I assured her. Especially compared to Angeline. My family had a cat back in Utah that I was pretty sure was more responsible than Angeline.Jills face brightened, and I left her so that I could return the suitcase to my room. Angelines arrival and my work in busting Keith had earned me my own private room in the dorm, something I treasured. Inside it, everything was quiet and orderly. My staring(a) world.The one tail end that the chaos of my life couldnt touch. The neatly made bed was asking to be slept in. Begging, really. So on, I promised it. I hope.Amberwood Prep was divided into three campuses, East (where the girls were housed), West (where the boys were), and Central (containing all the academic buildings). A hoot bus ran between them on a regular schedule, or brave psyches could walk between them in the heat. I usually didnt mind the temperatures, but walking seemed like a lot of work today. So, I took the shuttle to West Campus and try to stay awake.The lobby of the boys dorm was a lot like my own, people coming and going to either catch up on academic work or simply have sex the Sunday off. I glanced around, but Eddie wasnt here yet.Hey, Melbourne.I turned and found ternion Juarez approaching, a smiling on his tanned face. He was a senior like me and had picked up the Melbourne nickname after one of our teachers proved incapable of remembering Melrose. Honestly, with all these names, it was a wonder I knew who I was anymore.Hey, troika, I said. Trey was a bona fide high school football st ar but also pretty brainy, no matter how much he tried to hide it. We got along well as a result, and my help in restoring his athletic status last month had gone a long way to raise my parentage in his eyes. A backpack hung on one of his shoulders. Are you finally going to finish that chem lab write-up?Yup, he said. Me and half the cheerleading squad. You want to join us? I rolled my eyes. Somehow I doubt therell be much work going on. Besides, Im meeting Eddie.Trey gave an easy shrug and brushed some unruly black hair out of his eyes. Your loss.See you tomorrow. He took a couple of steps and then glanced back at me. Hey, are you go out anyone?I immediately started to say no, and then a dread thought occurred to me. I had a tendency to take things very literally. Friends of mine here, Kristin and Julia, had been trying to train me up in the subtleties of high school social life. One of their chief lessons was that what people said wasnt always what they meant oddly in romantic matters.Are you are you asking me out? I asked, taken aback. This was the last thing I needed right now. How should I respond? Should I say yes? Should I say no? Id had no idea helping him with chemistry homework would be so alluring. I shouldve made him do it on his own.Trey looked as startled by the thought as I was. What? No. Of course not.Thank God, I said. I liked Trey, but I had no interest in dating him or figuring out what the appropriate way to say no would be.He shot me a wry look. You dont have to look that relieved.Sorry, I said, trying to mask my embarrassment. Whyd you ask?Because I know the perfect guy for you. Im pretty sure hes your soul mate. We were back in familiar territory now logic vs. lack of logic. I dont believe in soul mates, I said. Its statistically unreasonable that theres only one ideal person for everyone in the world. And yet, for half a moment, I wished it was kind of possible. Itd be nice to have someone who understood some of the things that we nt on in my head.Trey rolled his eyes. Okay. Not a soul mate. How about just someone you could maybe go out with once in a while and have a nice time with? I shook my head. I dont have time for anything like that. And I didnt. Keeping everything in order with the group, and pretending to be a student, was a full time job as it was.Im telling you, youd like him. He goes to a public school and just started at Spencers. Spencers was a coffee shop Trey worked at, an arrangement that yielded me discounts. The other day, he was going off on unaerobic vs. aerobic respiration, and I was thinking, You know who this sounds like? Melbourne.Its anaerobic respiration, I corrected. And it still doesnt mean I have the time. Sorry. I had to admit, I was immensely curious about how that topic would have come up between baristas, but figured it was best not to encourage Trey.Okay, he said. Dont say I never tried to help you.Wouldnt dream of it, I assured him. Hey, theres Eddie.My cue to go then. See you guys. Trey gave a taunt salute to Eddie and me. Dont forget my offer if you want a hot date, Melbourne.Trey left, and Eddie shot me an astonished look. Did Trey just ask you out?No. Hes just got some co-worker he wants to set me up with.Maybe thats not a bad idea.Its a terrible idea. Lets go outside.The desert heat didnt seem to care that it was October, and I led us to a bench right by the dorms stucco walls. Partial shade from some nearby palm trees offered mild relief.People swore the temperature would taper soon, but Id seen no sign of change. Eddie handed me my car keys and a shopping bag from a local superstore.I had to guess at size, he told me. When in doubt, I went big. Figured it was safer that way.Probably. I sat down on a bench and rifled through his purchases. Jeans, khakis, a few solid colored T-shirts. They were very practical, very much something a no-nonsense guy like Eddie would pick out. I approved. The size actually looks right. Good eye. Well have to send you out shopping more often.If thats what I have to do, he said, face serious. I couldnt help but laugh in surprise.I was joking. I put the shirts back in the bag. I know that couldnt have been fun. Eddies face gave nothing away. Oh, come on. Its okay. You dont have to play stoic with me. I know you didnt enjoy it.Im here to do a job. Doesnt matter if I enjoy it or not. I started to protest but then thought better of it. After all, wasnt that my philosophy too?Sacrificing my own wants for higher goals? Eddie was intensely dedicated to this mission. He never backed down. I expected nothing less from him than single-minded focus.So, does that mean youre up for some experiments tonight? I asked.Of cours He stopped and reconsidered. Are Jill and Angeline coming?No. Angelines still under house arrest.Thank God, he said with visible relief.His reaction was probably the most surprising thing to happen today. I couldnt imagine why Eddie would look so relieved. Aside from his guardian loya lty to Jill, he was also crazy about her. He wouldve done anything for her, even if it wasnt his job, but refused to share his feelings with her. He thought he was misfortunate of a princess. An uneasy thought occurred to me.Are you are you avoiding Jill because of her and Micah? Micah was Eddies roommate, a nice guy who caused Eddie all sorts of therapy-worthy trauma because he bore so much similarity to Eddies dead best friend, Mason. Micah also had a weird pseudo-dating relationship with Jill. None of us were happy about it, since (aside from the Keepers) humans dating Moroi or dhampirs was rigorously taboo. Wed finally decided it would be impossible to keep Jill from a social life, and she swore nothing serious or physical was going on between her and Micah. They just spent a lot of time together. And flirted incessantly.He didnt know the truth about her, but I wondered at what point hed want more from their relationship. Eddie unplowed insisting it was better for Jill to have a casual relationship with a human than one with an unworthy dhampir like him, but I knew it had to be torturous.Of course not, said Eddie sharply. Its not Jill I want to avoid. Its Angeline.Angeline? Whats she done now?Eddie ran a hand through his hair in frustration. His was a sandy blond, not far from my own, which was a dark gold. The similarity made it easy to pass ourselves off as twins. She wont leave me alone Shes always dropping these suggestive comments when Im aroundand she wont stop staring at me. Like, you wouldnt think thatd be creepy, but it is. Shes always watching. And I cant avoid her because shes with Jill a lot of the time, and I have to keep Jill safe.I thought back on recent interactions. Are you sure youre reading this right? Ive never noticed anything.Thats because you dont notice that kind of thing, he said. You cannot imagine how many excuses she finds to rub up against me.After seeing her homemade jean shorts, I actually could imagine it. Huh. Well, maybe I can talk to her.Like that, Eddie snapped back to all-business. No. Its my problem, my personal life. Ill deal with it.Are you sure? Because I can Sydney, he said gently. Youre the most responsible person I know, but this isnt what youre here to do. You dont have to take care of everything and everyone.I dont mind, I said automatically. It is what Im here for. But even as I said it, I wondered if that was true. A bit of the anxiety from the bunker returned, making me question if what I did was truly Alchemist responsibility or the desire to help those who against protocol had become my friends.See? Now you sound just like I did earlier. He stood up and flashed me a grin. You want to come with me to Adrians? Be responsible together? His words were meant as a compliment, but they echoed too close to what the Alchemists had told me. And Mrs. Weathers. And Jill. Everyone thought I was so amazing, so responsible and controlled.But if I was so amazing, then why was I always so unsure i f I was doing the right thing?